Medium friends. Big moments.
Who we were, who we are, and who we’re yet to be.
Welcome to So Relatable, a bi-weekly-ish newsletter that helps creative folks improve their craft, achieve their goals, and eat better snacks. I’m glad you’re here! ✨
Have you heard of “medium friends?” The New York Times recently published a piece on this phenomenon, which I read with great interest.
Medium friends are genuine friends. [They] make you laugh, bring news, offer insights or expertise. But, unlike the closest friends, medium friends test the limits of your time, love and energy. There are only so many dinners in a week, so many people with whom you can be incessantly texting. Medium friends prove the lie in any naïve attempt to be all things to all people.
As someone deeply invested in my friendships, this description sent me into a minor spiral. Are medium friends good, or bad? What’s the right balance of medium friends vs. big friends, and how will I know when I’ve struck it? How many medium friends do I currently have? More importantly: who considers me a medium friend?!
Okay, maybe it was a big spiral.
In early June, we rented a beach house with a bunch of friends from grad school—an East Coast MFA Reunion, to commemorate the fact that we graduated ten years ago. Back then, these were not medium friends. These were big friends, the people with whom I spent three formative years, who read my most personal and vulnerable work, who saw me at my best and my worst.
When we arrived at the beach house, together again for the first time in a decade, I experienced a moment of panic. These friendships, once so big, now felt different. Changed. I’d been looking forward to our reunion for months, but I forgot to account for the years that had passed. We’d grown as individuals which was wonderful, but our friendships needed space to grow, too.
I dedicate a lot of thought and energy to friendship—more, perhaps, than the average 40-something. I don’t have children and my family lives states away, so these are the relationships that keep me grounded and connected. When faced with a friendship that’s fading or fraying, my first impulse is to freeze it, pin it down and preserve it. Too much change feels dangerous, but treating people as if they haven’t changed poses a different kind of risk.
By the end of our MFA weekend, after navigating new boundaries, having long conversations on the beach, drinking too much wine, sharing delicious meals, and becoming best friends with three new children, my panic subsided. We were the same people, but we had new experiences, new lives, new jobs, new children, new heartaches and disappointments and joys. We’d grown bigger, which meant there were new things to learn about each other. That isn’t a failure of friendship. It may very well be the best part.
Who we are, what we need, how we show up—all of it changes, all the time. I’m deeply grateful for the opportunity to meet my friends again and again, to love both who we were and who we’re becoming.
Which brings me back to the idea of medium friends. Time and distance and circumstance may keep us from incessantly texting or going out to dinner or planning adventures, but there are still opportunities for big moments if we’re intentional about seeking them out. Or, in this case, receiving an invitation and saying, “Yes, I’ll find the time and make the effort and travel a great distance so we can sit at the edge of the world and get to know each other one more time as the ocean laps at our feet.”
Tell me: what could be bigger than that?
Snack Break
Speaking of friends, one of my goals this summer is to go on more one-on-one friend dates. To that end, I spent last Saturday evening with my dear friend Kat. We saw a local band play at a hip venue (the show didn’t START until 9pm!!! we almost skipped it but persevered!!!) and then swung by Pie Slayer, a new bakery, for some midnight treats. This slice of lemon and yuzu meringue pie was incredible—the second best part of the evening. (Kat, obviously, was number one!)
Relatable Recommendations
Reading: Such a Bad Influence, a much-buzzed about book in which a woman’s social media influencer sister has mysteriously disappeared. It’s not literary, but it was highly entertaining, and that’s what I needed to get out of a minor reading slump. Now I’m devouring The Husbands, which is weird and funny and inventive and will probably end up being one of my favorite books of the year.
Watching: Here to Climb, yet another rock climbing documentary. Am I obsessed? Yes, I am obsessed.
Clicking: I loved
’s sharp and funny observations about why the contents of our camera rolls matter. One of my favorite newsletters is and this piece by Haley about why we travel is thoughtful and interesting. Finally, 5 truly lovely ideas from Priya Parker about making the most of your gatherings, even when you’re on a budget.Growing: Our lil’ green cherry tomatoes are popping, the shishito peppers are here, and the corn is imminent. NOW it feels like summer.
Feeling: Creative, for the first time in a long time. I’ve got a fun summer project in the works that I promised myself I wouldn’t talk about (too much). You’ll just have to wait and see!
Coffee Club Contributions
Thanks to Liz L. for being a friend to this newsletter!
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👋 About Me: I’m Chrissy Hennessey, an enthusiastic snacker and native New Yorker living in coastal North Carolina, where I stayed after earning my MFA. My writing has appeared in a decent number of journals, I’ve received fellowships to some fancy residencies, and I’ve written three novels, all currently unpublished. This newsletter is a passion project I started in 2019 as a way to connect with readers and writers, share my creative journey, and build a community. Thank you for being here!
Love this! And I too have no kids and faraway family... and have been somewhat of a gypsy in own life. So yes to medium friends! And this ...
"Who we are, what we need, how we show up—all of it changes, all the time. I’m deeply grateful for the opportunity to meet my friends again and again, to love both who we were and who we’re becoming. "
Thought provoking, for sure! (Which, for context, is high praise.) I've always tended to migrate towards the few, really deep friendships that are rare. And now that I'm years out of grad school and run my own business, the opportunities to nurture and cultivate those relationships to that "big friend" level are increasingly rare, especially with my somewhat introverted tendencies.
I think I need the idea of medium friends as a way to make space for those who have not (yet?) become "big friends" but might, given the opportunity.
"Who we are, what we need, how we show up—all of it changes, all the time." Timely reminder.